With the New Year, most people make a resolution or two. In my effort to transition from extrovert to introvert – ask me how that’s going – my quieter, more observant self has come to find I have some terrible habits that I want to rid myself of in 2017. My resolutions aren’t about things I want to do. Instead, I have several things I don’t want to do anymore!

First, I always announce my shower to the entire family. Why do I still do this? I think the origin of the announcement came when I had very small children and I needed to let my hubby know he was the only parent on duty.   Now that I have a thirteen-year-old and ten-year-old, why do I still make the shower declaration? My husband never announces his showers. Ever. My announcements only allow for negative parenting situations. There are typically three scenarios. Option one has a child banging on the door repeatedly because he or she needs to know where the remote is or if I bought apples or something equally important. I then scream an answer and begin talking to myself in the shower about these crazy kids. Option two happens the moment I turn off the water. Instantly, there is banging at the door with tattling or an update to share that the place I suggested for finding the remote or apples did not actually turn up the remote control or apples. Option three, the absolute worst scenario, has to do with the fact that my shower shares a wall with a hallway in the family area. My kids have learned that banging on the wall and screaming into the wall are effective means of communication when I have chosen to ignore the banging on the door (from option one above). This approach is typically saved for times when pretty serious stuff is going down. There I am, in relaxed shower mode, when suddenly I hear knocking on the wall and mumbled complaining. Yes, they cup their hands and scream into the wall! This causes an immediate change in my appearance. Visualize a female version of the Hulk but with mascara running down her green face. I go from quiet reflective time in the shower to Hulk in two seconds flat. I find myself screaming horrible things like, “You’d better be bleeding!” or “If I come out of this shower to deal with you, you’d better be so hurt you need assistance with dialing 911.” Yes, I don’t want to announce showers any more. In 2017 I will become a stealth shower ninja.

Second, I have a terrible cooking habit. It is even worse than my actual cooking, and that is pretty bad. Every time I stir a pot on the stove, I bang the spoon on the side of the pot in the same rhythm before I put it on the spoon rest. I mean every single time. Why do I do this? My husband pointed it out to me, and I’ve come to realize that I really do need to make that same rhythm every time. It is annoying to me, so I can’t even imagine what he thinks. I think I will experiment with new rhythms and then transition slowly to a single tap. I think.

Third, I no longer want my kids eating in my car. I am done with this. When I was a kid, I rode the bus home. I managed not to eat on the bus and to survive until I entered my own kitchen.  It was tough, but I hung in there. Didn’t you? I pick up my kids from school every day, and the first thing I get isn’t a “hello” or “how was your day.” It is always the same: “What did you bring me to eat because I am starving!?” Starving? Strangely, I don’t see any signs of starvation in either child. They appear quite healthy looking to me. Yet a twenty-minute ride home without food is too much to bear. There are so many wrappers, crumbs and morsels of food in my car that a family of raccoons could easily survive in there for two weeks, maybe even a month. The sight of my own floorboards horrifies me. I’m pretty sure there are still floorboards down there somewhere. I can’t believe I didn’t cancel all car snacks about six months ago. We were sitting at a stoplight when I reached down to take a sip out of my water bottle. I quickly noticed something was odd about my water. I swallowed and said, “That’s so weird. My water tastes just like popcorn.” With a shocked look my child says, “Mom, I’ve been spitting my popcorn kernels into your water.” Yes, I am officially done with car snacks in 2017.

Finally, any child announcing to me at 6:40 a.m. on a school day that he or she doesn’t have any clean underwear is grounded. I do laundry every 2-3 days. How is this possible? Where is all your underwear? Did you not know you were out of underwear when you got out of the shower last night? What did you wear to bed? Wait, don’t answer that.

So, in 2017, I am making some adjustments for a happier version of me. I hope all the change doesn’t give me some sort of mental breakdown. If my kids reach out to you for help after they find me in my shower banging a rhythm on a cooking pot while rinsing out underwear, all you have to do is knock real hard on the hallway wall. That will make me come out so we can call 911 together. I wonder if I can have a snack in the ambulance? I think I have some apples.