Several times each week, I have to stop at the grocery store. I’m one of those unorganized people who can’t seem to make one long list. In the span of a week, I make three short lists with each covering 48 hours or so, and I end up going again and again. I wonder why I do this to myself because I don’t particularly enjoy the store. I don’t like that one needs a degree from MIT to get the fruit and veggie bags to open in a timely manner. Perhaps that is the punishment for forgetting my recycled bags. I guess I deserve it. Knowing the checker will end my shopping trip by asking me if I found everything I was looking for, while knowing darn well he/she isn’t going to do a thing to help me if I didn’t, also keeps me from putting the grocery store experience at the top of my list of favorite things to do. But the biggest challenge of my frequent grocery trips comes before I even enter the store, and it can be the difference between a great or miserable shopping experience. The issue? Choosing a grocery cart.

The beginning of the experience is always the same. I stare at the rows of grocery carts while the theme to Jeopardy plays in my head. This is a game of chance that I am forced to play before I even enter the store! It always feels a bit like the Sword in the Stone: Will I be the chosen one for selecting the cart I am eyeing? If I pull this grocery cart just right, will it loosen itself to its rightful master or must I yank at it awkwardly like I’m trying to pull at a donkey sitting on his haunches?  Once I have selected a cart, I enter the store and know immediately what kind of shopping experience I will have. Until this week, I was only aware of two types of cart issues that might make for a negative shopping experience. However, this week I have identified a third!

I would say that one-fourth of the time I choose the “hanging to the left” cart. You know the one. This cart is the reason 99% of the women you see at the store are wearing yoga pants. They need to be ready for this cart. This cart requires a full body squat just to get around the corners. Indigenous people gave birth in this position but now it is mostly reserved for getting from aisle to aisle at your local store. No matter how hard you try, this cart won’t make the turn without a struggle. When you have the HTL cart, you not only have to squat and do a full bicep workout to get around corners, but you also get the sound that accompanies it. This means, after turning corners in an odd position, you also introduce yourself to the people on the new aisle with a skidding sound. Sadly, that isn’t the worst sound you can hear at the grocery store.

At least another one-fourth of my trips have me pushing the noisy cart. This one usually has a repeated click-click-click that makes me want to go faster so the clicking will stop. Don’t try this. We’ve all tried, and it never works. Going faster doesn’t make the click go away. Sometimes you get a bonus problem with the clicking cart: Added vibration through the handles. Now you are clicking throughout the store and your teeth are chattering, and it is just uncomfortable to be you in that moment. It only gets worse when you see a friend at the store. As you walk toward her and say hello, it sounds like you are talking into a fan. No one likes that cart. Sometimes I get the sister to the clicking/vibrating cart: the squeaker. This one might be the worst of them all. Everyone has had the squeaker and understands the embarrassment it can cause.   I always try to give a knowing look to the person who has the squeaker. This person easily gets my attention, as I know the sound so well. I give them a look of empathy, a tiny grin, maybe even a knowing head nod and a shoulder shrug, but people who get the squeaker don’t tend to make eye contact. I get it! It’s like the horrible corduroy pants your parents made you wear as a kid. No matter what you did, that noise followed you, and you just hoped no one would notice it was you.

I thought I had encountered all grocery cart scenarios until this past Monday. This trip to the store would prove to be very, very different. It started well enough without a single noise or forced pulling. I was winning! This would be an awesome shopping trip! I could have full eye contact and not have to squat! Soon enough, though, I knew I was in trouble with my cart. This cart pulled a new maneuver on me. There I was, confidently walking across the grocery store when it came to a complete and unexpected stop. The handle hit me in the stomach. This was weird! I wondered if I had run over a hastily discarded donut tissue, but no, nothing was under the wheel. Whatever, it was time to get moving again. A few steps later it went right back to the abrupt stop and bump to the stomach. It was time to pull over and figure this out. Good thing I had on my HTL yoga pants because this required not only a squat but also a head tilt so I could get a good look at the wheels. It was at that moment that I saw a grocery cart situation like no other. There, wrapped around the center of the wheel, was a huge CHUNK of long hair. Y’all, I’m not talking about a single strand here. Someone might have maimed a small animal. This was a potential crime scene. Not only was a huge chunk of hair tangled on the inside of the wheel, it was on the outside as well. What in the world? I wondered if I should call a manager over. I was so confused.  I looked around for help but the next lady to approach had the squeaker and wouldn’t make eye contact. I couldn’t handle it. I stomach bumped it back outside and grabbed a basket. I couldn’t let it go wrong again. Clearly I was not the chosen one that day.

I quickly narrowed down my grocery list so I could get out of there. As I approached the cashier, she robotically asked if I found everything I was looking for. I wanted to tell her I had discovered a new mammal species on the wheel of one of their carts, but I was out of energy and time. “I definitely found everything I needed and more,” I said. This grocery store adventure was officially over.

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